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The Road To Legends Offshaychusmall

The Road To Legends

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The Road To Legends Empty The Road To Legends

Post by Zero K. on Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:29 pm

Lucas tried to run, but ended up stumbling over his own feet. The angry monster sent out a complicated series of loud buzzes as Lucas attempted scrambling to his feet and ended up barreling along the ground on all fours since he couldn’t balance other wise. He felt several sharp stings along his arms and felt pressure along his vest which also protected his back. There were little hexagonally bottomed bees, small, simpler versions of the larger monster attacking him, stinging any exposed skin. Their stings brought him another rush of adrenaline which was enough to temporarily snap him back to reality. He hurried to his feet and ran back to the river as quickly as he could. As he went into the river the swarms of the bees hovered above, their leader, the big monster, commanded them to retreat and they flew off. Lucas decided he should not go near a bees nest again. He got out of the river and squeezed out the water from his shirt, then headed back to Prof.Oak’s lab to tell him what had happened, but as he went in the front door, his partner, Zorua, attacked him playfully. “Grandpa!” Lucas yelled, “I ran into a Combee nest that you might want to check out, its rather close.” “Alright I’ll take Vespiqueen and Charmander and check it out later” Grandpa said. Lucas went with Grandpa to show him where the nest was, and he took Zorua just in case things went wrong. As he predicted the Bee-like pokemon attacked and made Vespiqueen and Charmander faint. It was all up to Lucas to defend himself and Grandpa. “Zorua use Night Daze!” Lucas commanded. As Zorua used Night Daze, the Vespiqueen became very angry and commanded a Defense Order. At her command, Grandpa’s Vespiqueen commanded a Heal Order and became the controller of the opponent Vespiqueen’s Combee. Grandpa’s Vespiqueen commanded the Combee to use Rock throw and wing attack on the opponent, and as they did they defeated their previous master and befriended Lucas. One particular female Combee came up to Lucas and picked him up and flew around with him! That Combee was his second pokemon ever, and they became best friends. Now, Lucas started off his journey with his Zorua and Combee. He figured his first stop should be over at Pewter City, so he started off on Route 1. As he was making his way through, he noticed a small mouse-type pokemon tangled in vines near the woods, so he went over and saw that the thing that was holding the pokemon was a Tangela! He told Combee to use Wing Attack, and they defeated to Evil Tangela. He let the Little Ratatata go back in the woods and he continued on his quest. He finally reached Viridian forest after traveling through Viridian City. As they were about to enter the forest, an old man came up to them and asked, “Are you going in the forest?” “Yes we are.” said Lucas, “You will need some of these” Said the old man, and gave him a few Antidotes. “Thanks!” exclaimed Lucas. And they were on their way to Pewter City to challenge the Gym Leader. They were halfway through when they got stopped by Kenny the Bug Catcher. “That’s a mighty fine bug you got there, I’ll battle you for her.” Kenny taunted, “No way she is the best Combee out there, I would never put her up for ante!” Lucas said. “Alright battle me anyways!” Kenny demanded. “You’re on!” As the battle started, Kenny sent out Beedrill and Lucas sent out Zorua. “Zorua use Night Daze!” “Beedrill use Fury Swipes!” As the battle raged on, two mischievous People Named Rick and Amy were prowling about looking for anyplace to cause trouble. “Do you hear something?” Rick asked. “Not really Bu- BWAHHHHHH!” A Shadow Ball came through the forest and hit Amy! “I think we should go that way” Rick said sarcastically. “Ughhhhhhhhh” Amy mumbled. A few minutes later they came to a battle field, and they saw Lucas and some weird guy that had a net strapped to his back. “Zorua give ‘em another Shadow Ball!” Lucas yelled. ‘So that’s the kid that sent that Shadow Ball……” Amy said angrily. Amy jumped out of the Woods and brought out her Crobat and Raichu, and as she inched closer, Combee swooped in and picked Lucas and Zorua up and flew them over to Pewter City and landed in front of the Gym. “Alright! Let’s challenge the leader!” They opened the doors to reveal the Gym Leader Brock!

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Zero K.
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The Road To Legends Empty Re: The Road To Legends

Post by Evil Bunny on Sun Dec 04, 2011 12:08 am

Mmm, it's been a while since I've done any critiquing. Since this is the only fan fiction in the section, I guess this is the one I'll have to do.

I actually liked this fan fiction. For a while. The beginning sentences were pretty good, and kept me interested. But then our hero gets back to Grandpa. I find it odd that Grandpa is so uncaring that his grandson has been stung multiple times. Actually, if Lucas had been stung so many times, how is he still OK? Don't quote me on this, because bee stings might only do something to people who are allergic to their stings, but seriously. The child was stung multiple times, and just waltz back to his home.

Onto his Zorua. One, that's probably not a likely Pokemon for someone who's just starting out to have. Two, should he be worried that his master is covered in noticeable stings? Tens of them? You might wanna change them.

The battle scene was horribly anti-climatic. There's no drama, there's no reason to keep reading. No, grandpa's Pokemon, which, IMO, would probably be a bit stronger, just up and faint, and our hero and his magic Pokemon are forced to save the day. No. Just, no. You don't give the heroes the win like that. There needs to be more action, more work towards that win. The Combee befriending him is just sugary and cliche, something one would expect from a children's cartoon.

[s]Protip: In the Kanto region, going through Route One takes you to Viridian City. You might wanna double-check a game map so you just make little mistakes like this.[/s] Deleted, as reading further said you go through Viridian first. disregard this.

story wrote:He figured his first stop should be over at Pewter City, so he started off on Route 1. As he was making his way through, he noticed a small mouse-type pokemon tangled in vines near the woods, so he went over and saw that the thing that was holding the pokemon was a Tangela! He told Combee to use Wing Attack, and they defeated to Evil Tangela
Is that supposed to be the or two? I honestly can't tell. Double-checking your grammar and spelling, even for small mistakes, really makes your story more readable.

Once again for the battle versus Kenny, you need to add more action and drama to your battle scenes to make them enjoyable and readable.

As for the appearance of Ricky and Amy, they're honestly just Dues Ex Machina, or something that happens to a character that conveniently gets them out of trouble. You should probably develop on those two a bit more. How are they looking for trouble? How do they cause trouble? Character development is key. There are some good works where you can have a cliche plot that works well because of the characters. Characters drive the plot.

The ending is where this just ends, and to be frank, it doesn't make me want to read more. The hero is now randomly on the door step of his first challenge, unprepared. While this could be used for a nice plot point, but seeing as the character is randomly shoved in it and forced to do it (and he does it rather happily. With just two Pokemon that I assume are weak, one of them horribly useless in a Rock-type gym, he's obviously unaware that he's probably going to get his arse handed to him. ...I actually kind of like the idea of a blindly-hopeful and cocky character. Nyeh.

Also a very big point that, if you correct this, will make your story a heck of a lot more readable is to make paragraphs. You make a new one every time you change times, what you're talking about within the story, or if a new person is speaking is a good rule of thumb to follow.

Now, forgive me if this was a little harsh. I like trying to help people be better writers, even though I've in no way earned the title of Greatest Writer Ever (about a year of writing and not a single publication. I still got a spot for that trophy on my mantle, though. :DD). If you need help with checking your spelling and grammar, or plot details, you can contact me on here.

This story has some potential to be a good story, but you gotta work out a lot of the kinks to get it to that stage, my friend.

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