Dangerous Love: Book I

I’m not giving up on H&S Adventures, I’m just having writers block on that and I’ll get back to it soon, promise.

Characters:

Spoiler:

Magical Cults:

Spoiler:

Prologue:

“GET DOWN! GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!”. Students and staff fell to the floor. The gunman pointed the pistol at everyone, forcing them to hit the filthy, gym floor. “GIMME ALL YOUR MONEY, YEA, THAT MEANS YOU TOO COACH.” Most students pulled out their wallets, girls fumbled through their pocketbooks. Aaron heard everything from the bathroom, he hadn’t even finished changing into his uniform when he heard the screams. He was breathing hard, but couldn’t help it. As silent as he tried to be, his exhales echoed in the room.

After he had all the money, the gunman looked out the door. Cops had already got there, he couldn’t escape. He remembered there was a window in the bathroom. As he shuffled over, Aaron’s eyes and his met. “GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY!”, he held the gun to his head. Aaron stood, frozen in fear, breathing harder than earlier. “WELL! GIVE IT TO ME!” Aaron still didn’t move, although he knew what would happen next. “On the count of three, if you don’t give me your money, I’m pulling the trigger. One.…”Aaron started to cry then, “Two...”, Aaron Screamed, “Thr…”. The man fell backwards, blood flew onto the floor. Aaron’s friend, Jacob, had bashed the man’s head with a textbook.

Aaron screamed, he knew his life was about to end. He fell to his knees, and screamed. Blood, and tears flooded the bathroom. Aaron’s screams echoed throughout the gym, and the entire school campus.

Aaron’s friend, Jacob, had bashed the man’s head with a textbook. [...] His friend, Jacob, had grabbed a textbook and bashed the man over the head with it.

Repetitive statement.

Variant wrote:Aaron’s friend, Jacob, had bashed the man’s head with a textbook. [...] His friend, Jacob, had grabbed a textbook and bashed the man over the head with it.

Repetitive statement.

Edited.

Mostly it's fine, except:
Don't tell us about the main characters before the story has started - it's best to put it in the story instead of telling the reader who this person is at the start.

Also: The paragraph about Aaron screaming is after Jacob already saving him, which makes no sense. You should put it before he's saved, when he actually does scream.

And also, a grown man being smashed over the head with a textbook by a teenager will not make blood come out of his head. It might knock him over, possibly knock him out, but I don't think you'll find many cases of people bleeding in the head after being hit by a textbook.

Otherwise, the story is fine.

(I'm not trying to be harsh, just trying to help ^_^

Mercury wrote:Mostly it's fine, except:
Don't tell us about the main characters before the story has started - it's best to put it in the story instead of telling the reader who this person is at the start.

Also: The paragraph about Aaron screaming is after Jacob already saving him, which makes no sense. You should put it before he's saved, when he actually does scream.

And also, a grown man being smashed over the head with a textbook by a teenager will not make blood come out of his head. It might knock him over, possibly knock him out, but I don't think you'll find many cases of people bleeding in the head after being hit by a textbook.

Otherwise, the story is fine.

(I'm not trying to be harsh, just trying to help ^_^

Harsh feedback makes a good final draft